he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
