A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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