I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
