I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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