just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
