dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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