4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
