I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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