I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
