3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
