tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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