You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
