My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
