Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
