and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
