Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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