My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
True college students do jello shots in the library
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