just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
