My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
