Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
