I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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