In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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