Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize