Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
