youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
