How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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