If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
