He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
