the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
