i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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