I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
