if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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