why do cheetos always look like penises
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
