Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
