I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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