I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
