I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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