Sorry, I don't speak sober.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
