last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
