We're like a lot better than the average bears
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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