I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
