My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
