last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
