I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
