i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
