guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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