Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
