Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
