i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
