he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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