Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize