i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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