Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Welp...herpes.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
