my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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