Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
