Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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