Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
