pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
