Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
