you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Terrible idea I love it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
