dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
